Happily Single?

Emma Watson recently shared that she’s “very happy being single”. She call it “being self-partnered”. Her interview inspired the ‘Thought of the Day’ on Radio Four this morning, where Canon Angela Tilby talked about the myth of being ‘left on the shelf’ and asserted that “singleness need not be loneliness, but a rich and enriching way of solitude”. Amen to that!

I’ve been single for most of my life. I’ve had several short-term relationships, but concluded that, on balance, I’m happier single than partnered. This status has occasionally prompted comments from well-meaning friends: “There’s someone out there for you!” They’d comfortingly say. Another response is a mystified ‘Why?”, which sometimes seems to imply “What’s wrong with you, you weirdo!?”

To be honest, I sometimes used to wonder that myself. Maybe I had some deep seated Mother complex, was commitment phobic or fearful of intimacy? I explored my feelings in therapy, went to Tantra workshops and talked to friends and ex-lovers about it. I learnt, eventually, that there wasn’t anything wrong with me at all; this is just how I am.

A single set of footprints on a beach

The final light-bulb moment came a few years ago when I read research by the psychologist Bella DePaulo. DePaulo claimed that some people are ‘single at heart’, which meant that they are quite capable of being happy in the right relationship, but were equally happy staying permanently single. I was curious, so did her online self-test questionnaire. The result suggested that I was pretty much a definitive case of a ‘single at heart’ person. This was a very significant moment for me; at last this huge part of my life made sense. My half-hearted attempts at dating and the way I’d almost always find a good reason why someone just wasn’t for me. As important was the realisation that I could really own this now; this is how I choose to live.

Part of the reason I struggled with this for so long is that our culture places high value on romantic relationships, so inevitably those who aren’t in one stand out. But the times are changing, and I’m grateful to Emma Watson for telling it like it is. Whether we call it self-partnered, single at heart or just intentionally single, this is a heartfelt and healthy choice about how to live a life.

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Wired to survive?

According to evolutionary neuroscience we’re not wired to be happy or content but simply to survive. It’s a new science, so such judgements are subject to review, but it certainly seems that our bodymind system easily becomes dysfunctional in modern industrial societies.

Paul Gilbert is a clinical psychologist and developed a new therapeutic approach called ‘compassion focused therapy’ (CFT). Paul has identified three basic bodymind systems; one is focused on potential threats, another on finding resources, and the third on calm contentment & soothing. When the threat system is active our attention becomes like velcro for danger signs and teflon non-stick for anything positive: If you’re on alert for wolves then the fact that the moon looks fabulous is pretty irrelevant! Short-term that’s fine and once danger has passed we naturally shift to either the search and reward mode or the calm contentment system. As long as there’s a cycle between these three systems, we’re fine.

Adapted from Gilbert, 2010

Adapted from Gilbert, 2019

Because the threat system has survival value it can override the other two and it’s activated whenever there’s a perceived danger. The threat system works on a ‘better safe than sorry’ basis so will trigger whenever we feel that a situation isn’t safe. Many people live in situations which don’t feel safe; low income, precarious or stressful work, discrimination, difficult relationships or just keeping abreast of the news. That means that the threat system is often over-active and many people don’t spend enough time in the regenerative contentment & soothing system.

Compassion focused therapy draws heavily on mindfulness to help people learn to rebalance themselves. By becoming mindful of when we’re stuck in the anxiety provoking threat system, we can learn to shift into calm contentment. Self compassion is hugely helpful in this, and though we all have compassion, we may not practice it much. In our culture it can be seen as a sign of weakness or a distraction from the busyness of our lives. But in fact compassion is a form of courage that inspires us to act. With practice we can develop more compassion for ourselves and others, healing within and making the world a better place in the process.

It’s worth noting that mindfulness is the key strategy in CFT. Mindfulness, like so many of the other approaches to alleviating mental distress, is an embodied pathway of connection. If we really are wired to survive, perhaps early humans developed the embodied pathways of connection as a route to a deeper thriving? Practices like mindfulness, ritual, dance, psychedelics and the deliberate use of trance emerged early in human evolution. These same practices are retained by many indigenous groups and have therapeutic value for them. The same is true for all of us: These ancient healing practices can take us beyond mere survival mode to a vibrant, joyful existence.

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Regenerative culture in Extinction Rebellion

I recently spent a couple of days as part of the Wellbeing Team for the London Extinction Rebellion (XR) and it strengthened my belief that this is an exceptional campaign. Most campaign organizations replicate the system they challenge. I used to work for Friends of the Earth and though the organizational structure had unique aspects, the overall framework was similar to that of the corporations they opposed.

By contrast, the UK road protest movement of the 1990’s were truly radical. But patriarchy, perhaps the most fundamental force of oppression, haunted the camp-fires. In a telling article a female activist wrote that all the women she’d spoken to agreed that “it was without a doubt, a patriarchy dominated environment” (Do or Die #7). That was back in 1998 and in some ways things improved. But the ‘man up and get on with it’ approach to activism was harder to shift and I saw several activist friends burn out. But gradually as the environmental direct action movement matured, we learnt that wellbeing isn’t a luxury – it’s essential. As the poet and activist Audre Lorde wrote: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

XR banner; 'Activism is Hope'.

Extinction Rebellion not only has a deep understanding of the patterns of oppression at the foundations of our society; they – we – are actively dismantling them. This understanding has been hard won and it may never have been reached without the activists that came before. The direct action movement has matured, taking the lessons of the past and weaving them into a new future. Einstein realized that “we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”. That understanding is in the DNA of XR. This new thinking is about creating a regenerative culture. This is a step beyond sustainability, which is basically a ‘business as usual’ vision. Regeneration isn’t about keeping things as they are, but creating something better. XR is constantly curious, questioning what happened yesterday and exploring that edge where positive change happens. The direct action you’ve seen on the streets this week is like the branches of an old oak. A sturdy trunk holds those activists up and the hidden roots go very deep.

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It’s not what you know …

… it’s the way that you know it. I sometimes have a name ‘on the tip of my tongue’. I’m sure you know that odd feeling; you both know and don’t know at the same time. We make sense of these experiences by talking about an unconscious knowing that we can’t always bring into full awareness.

But there’s a curious flip side to this: You can ‘know’ something consciously without really ‘getting it’ at a deeper level. My therapy clients will sometimes comes to a realization – an ‘Ah ha!’ moment – when they grasp something in a new way. “I knew that already, in my head, but now”, they add with a touch to the heart or stomach, “I know it here”. The difference is profound.

I first wrote about this 25 years ago in Sacred Ecology:

“Besides the cerebral knowledge we all possess, the words & ideas stored in our heads, there is a deeper knowledge held within the tissue of our bodies. It is a somatic, physical knowing which comes from direct experience. This is the knowledge of faith, of emotion, of the gut feeling”.

I later discovered that I was describing embodied knowing and went on to do a PhD on the subject (Harris, 2008).

Diagram of cognitive iceberg

Conscious knowing is just the tip of the iceberg

Embodied knowing is fundamental to my work as a therapist. In many cases a client knows exactly what’s needed, but doesn’t have conscious access to that knowledge. At other times someone will know something consciously, but lack an embodied grasp of it. The therapist is rarely – if ever – the expert. Our role is facilitating the client’s journey of growth and self discovery, which typically involves integrating their embodied knowing.

There’s another vital aspect to this which takes me back to where I started. In Sacred Ecology I wrote that we need to understand our deep relationship with the other-than-human world at the level of embodied knowing. Unless you’re avoiding the news, you’ll know, in your head at least, that there’s a climate crisis. The facts are clear and have been for years, but nothing much gets done. Action on climate change is characterized by denial and broken promises and time is running out: We may have less than 18 months to avoid catastrophic change. But unless we get that at a gut level, really feel what it means, we’ll remain in what Zion Lights calls ‘passive denial’. You may know the facts about climate crisis but, painful though it is, you have to experience the reality in your body. That wisdom of the body is like taking the red pill; there’s no going back.

When I wrote Sacred Ecology I believed that myth & ritual offered the best route to the wisdom of the body. I’ve since recognized that there are many pathways to embodied connection. These include practices that are already advocated, like mindfulness and nature connection. We need to focus in on these pathways and learn how to use them more effectively. This is embodied ecology and may be our best hope for a future.

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CBT: The ‘gold standard’ for therapy?

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is like Marmite for many therapists. Some emphasize the research results which arguably show that it’s the “gold standard of the psychotherapy field” (David, Cristea and Hofmann, 2018). Others, like Richard House, see it as a “therapeutic technology” backed by a research regime that misses vital aspects of therapeutic practice; “subtlety, intuition, discernment and ‘the tacit’ in human relational experience” (2010).

Given that my original therapeutic training was with two of the most vehement critics of CBT – Richard House and Del Loewenthal – it seemed odd to some colleagues that I completed a Professional Certificate in CBT. One jokingly suggested that I’d “gone to the Dark side”!

At first CBT didn’t sit well with my existing approach, which is very much grounded in those qualities Richard extolled; subtlety, intuition and tacit embodied knowing. But I sensed that there was something of value here, notably because I’d unwittingly used CBT techniques to tackle my own anxiety in the past. Several years ago I started getting anxious about whether I’d locked the front door. I’d be about to cycle off to work when the thought would come: ‘Did I lock the door properly?’ My rational mind knew very well that I had: I’d  been successfully locking my front door every day for years! But the doubt nagged at me. The first couple of times I went back to check and it was, of course, fine. But I knew this wasn’t right because I was pandering to my irrational concerns. So I stopped checking. Sometimes it was quite hard. That voice in my head said: ‘It’ll only take a second to check, and then you won’t have to worry any more.’ I countered that with reason: ‘There’s no need to check. I already know it’s fine’. That’s a classic CBT approach and it worked very well: The worry went away instead of growing into full blown OCD!

Cycle of anxiety

But CBT doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve had several clients tell me that they tried CBT and it just didn’t work for them. Typically their CBT was provided on the NHS and the therapist didn’t know any other way of working. Why bother to learn anything else when CBT is the “gold standard”? This is part of the reason why CBT has such a bad name amongst some therapists: CBT is presented as the solution in a ‘one size fits all’ approach.

There’s some evidence that CBT is becoming less effective. A paper from 2015 looked at 70 CBT trials and found that the impact of the treatment for depression was falling (Johnsen and Friborg). The authors suggest several possible reasons for this decline, with the most likely being a reduction in therapist competence. What made CBT so attractive to the NHS was that it can be done by the book. In theory anyone who knows how to follow a step-by-step guide and can demonstrate the exercises to a client can be CBT therapist. But we know from extensive research that technique contributes no more than about 20% to the outcome of therapy. Those vital elements that Richard House highlighted above – subtlety, intuition, discernment and tacit knowing – are much more important.

I’m pleased I persevered with CBT. My trainer – a therapist with many years of experience – emphasized that CBT works best when it’s used creatively by an empathic, open minded therapist. It also opens the door to further training with the ‘third wave’ of CBT that integrates it with mindfulness.

CBT isn’t just one more technique in my ‘tool box’: It’s more like another pattern to weave into the rich tapestry of my therapeutic practice. As Richard House points out, the key to good therapy is how it’s practised, not which techniques are used (ibid.). To put it more crudely, it’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it!

References

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The Embodied Pathways of Connection in Therapy

My previous post introduced the EPOC, embodied practices that can reveal our radical interconnectedness. I initially came across the EPOC during my PhD research into spiritual eco-activism: The EPOC both inspired and supported the campaigners I worked with (Harris, 2008). Years later I noticed something curious; the EPOC I’d identified amongst road protesters seemed to underpin much of psychotherapy!

That may initially sound implausible, but the deeper I’ve looked into this apparent link, the more sense it makes. My research with activists identified seven EPOC; nature connection, meditation, Focusing, ritual, dance, trance and psychedelics. These seven all map to psychotherapeutic practices:

  • nature connection is the foundation of ecotherapy;
  • mindfulness meditation is at the heart of third wave CBT;
  • Focusing is a therapeutic practice;
  • psychedelic psychotherapy may be the next big mental health breakthrough;
  • dance therapy has been around since the mid-60s’;
  • ritual is widespread in psychotherapy, while
  • trance is an altered state of consciousness which is common in psychotherapy.

This is a big subject, but there’s two points I can make about how the EPOC function in psychotherapy. First, the EPOC facilitate access to embodied knowing and that process is fundamental to how psychotherapy heals. Second, they can dramatically widen our perspective: If you’re focusing too much on your own mental processes, mental distress is often the result.

People on the beach

© Adrian Harris

John Kabat-Zinn launched the therapeutic mindfulness revolution that’s transformed the lives of millions. He believes that connection is fundamental: “the quality of the connections within us and between us and with the wider world determines our capacity for self-regulation and healing” (Kabat-Zinn, 2013).

Many Focusing Oriented Therapists speak of that connection too: “Focusing allows our consciousness to settle into that area in ourselves where there is physical in-binding with the rest of the cosmos” (Campbell and McMahon, 1997).

Research into how psychedelic psychotherapy works has come to the same conclusion: “a sense of connectedness is key” (Carhart-Harris, et al, 2017). The theme of connection also runs through dance therapy: Connecting the mind and body, the conscious with the unconscious, the self with the other (Halprin, 2002).

This leaves ritual and trance, which are both complex and multifaceted. I’d argue that ritual is fundamental to many psychotherapeutic approaches and my experience of psychoanalysis felt deeply ritualistic. But for the moment, I’ll be more specific and reference Family Constellation Therapy (FCT) which explicitly draws on African healing ritual. FCT is based on the notion of the ‘knowing field’ a web that “propagates information and affect through the family and ancestral network” (Adams, 2014). That sounds strange to Western ears, but accords very well with Eugene Gendlin’s claim that “Your physically felt body is in fact part of a gigantic system of here and other places, now and other times, you and other people. In fact, the whole universe” (1981).

Trance is much more common than many of us suppose: When you’re watching a film or reading a novel, you’re most likely in trance. Hypnotherapy is of course the most obvious use of trance in psychotherapy but it’s arguably more fundamental. Furthermore, nature connection, meditation, Focusing and psychedelics can all induce an altered state of consciousness which we might call trance. On that basis, trance can certainly facilitate a sense of deep connection. There’s also a powerful association between psychotherapy and shamanism which gives trance a central role (Thalhamer, 2015). Boundaries get very blurred at this point because Shamanism is intimately engaged with nature connection and can include aspects of meditation, Focusing, dance, ritual and psychedelics.

We’re now close to the place to which these embodied pathways of connection all lead. For Glen Mazis this place is about ‘earthbodying’; Philip Shepherd names it “radical wholeness” (2017); David Abram might speak of participatory perception (2010), while Susan Greenwood writes of “a heightened awareness of an expanded connected wholeness” (Greenwood, 2005). For me this place is characterized by a particular kind of embodied knowing, the “wisdom of the body; that all things are ultimately one” (Harris, 1996).

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The Embodied Pathways of Connection

What links mindfulness, psychedelics, nature connection, ritual and the therapeutic technique of Focusing? They can all help us access to our deepest embodied knowing and awaken us from the illusion of separation. For Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk and lifelong peace activist, the purpose of our existence is “to awaken from our illusion of separateness.” But how?

Meditation is one path, and John Danvers wrote that mindfulness is a tool for coming to “fully realise that we are relational beings in a relational universe” (Danvers, 2016). John describes an experience where mindfulness allowed his fixed sense of self to dissolve:

“the egocentric, unitary, ‘I’, wasn’t there. Instead a different state of being was at work (or at play) – as if the edges of myself were dissolved into the surrounding space. It felt like there was no separation between me and the world” (2016).

Gail Bradbrook felt an inner stuckness for years. She was passionate about social change, but none of her campaigning efforts had really taken off. So Gail headed off to Costa Rica to experience the healing power of psychedelics – AKA enthogens – including Ayahuasca. She had heard reports of how “people on psychedelics report a deeply felt sense of peace, oneness and unity with the planet” (Bradbrook, 2019). The experience was transformational and on her return home Gail co-founded Extinction Rebellion.

Throughout the ‘60’s and ‘70’s Robert Greenway led groups on multi-day treks into the wilderness. He found that spending several days in wild nature could have a “profound impact on the psyche”. People typically had “feelings of expansion or reconnection” that he identified as spiritual (Greenway, 1995). I’ve written about this wilderness effect elsewhere, but it’s important to note that spending even a brief time in nature can open our awareness of deep connection. Claire Thompson describes her experience of watching a dramatically beautiful sunrise:

“I didn’t realise until afterwards, but my sense of self was absent. I was simply absorbed by the intrinsic wonder of the view and intimately involved in deep contemplation of the pure grace and delicate beauty of nature. I was an integral part of the scene” (2013).

Loch with mountains and trees in the distance

Loch Voil

Ritual is one of the most ancient, powerful and widespread pathways to connection. In Sacred Ecology I wrote that being “part of a powerful ritual” can enable us to “come to the wisdom of the body; that all things are ultimately one”. A lot depends on the intention of the ritual and the integrity of those who facilitate it, but it’s no accident that members of my local Extinction Rebellion group will lead a Summer Solstice Ceremony this evening to support the movement.

I’ve often written about Focusing and Eugene Gendlin, the philosopher and psychotherapist who developed it. In essence, Focusing is a process of sensing into the body, curiously open to what meaningful sensations might be there. Many people have walked this pathway of connection and Herbert Schroeder is a good example. Herbert was working as an environmental psychologist for the US Department of Agriculture when he began experimenting with Focusing in natural spaces. He experienced “an inward, bodily sense of myself expanding out into space, as though the boundary separating myself from my environment had become relaxed and permeable” (2008).

How can practices as diverse as Focusing, ritual, meditation, taking psychedelics and walking in nature have such dramatic – and similar – effects? Gendlin gave us a key part of the answer when he wrote that the “physically felt body is in fact part of a gigantic system of here and other places, now and other times, you and other people – in fact, the whole universe” (1981). Gendlin, like many other thinkers, recognized that we are not the isolated individuals of our cultural myth.

The quotes above all speak of connection, relationship, expansion and the dissolution of boundaries. Although they’ve taken different pathways, they seems to be arriving at the same place; the wisdom of the body that revels what Thich Nhat Hanh calls the “illusion of separateness”. Mindfulness, psychedelics, nature connection, ritual and Focusing are all pathways that lead us to deeper connection. Crucially, they are all part of our embodied experience. These then are embodied pathways of connection (EPOC). There are other EPOC, some of which I’ve already identified; trance, dance, sex and sensual experience. Others are still to be recognized, so if you think there’s an EPOC I’m missing, I’d love to hear from you.

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Glen Mazis & David Abram discuss embodied ecology

Last year I was invited to host the ecology thread for the ‘Embodiment Conference’. Who would I recommend to speak on the subject of embodied ecology? Two thinkers immediately came to mind who have been a huge influence on my own work: Glen Mazis & David Abram. This podcast brings them together in a fascinating dialogue. After a brief introduction, I sit back to enjoy a journey through embodied ecology guided by these poetic philosophers.
The core theme is, I think, participation. Glen points out that “The world is in your body and you’re feeling what it’s telling you”. David develops that idea with his suggestion that “to be a body is to be entangled, enfolded and infused with so many other bodies, most of which are not human”.

Both of them are fascinated with imagination and language. David points out that “our bodies are imagining the world constantly … Imagination is an act of the sensing body itself, all the time. We are creatively adding to to what is immediately given in the world”. Glen develops this idea when he speaks of how poetry is “a way of using language that tells you, no, you can’t stay just in the web of words, you’ve to go back to your fleshly experience”.

Rain drops on a leafless tree

Glen and David explore many of the topics I’ve touched on in this blog – Merleau-Ponty, animism, deep ecology, embodied knowing – and then follow the path into sensuality, language, climate change and eco-trauma. David beautifully expresses the pain: “To taste the world with our creaturely senses all open and awake is to feel a world that it is filled with wounds”. Glen identifies the danger here: “There’s the cycle of hurt and violation … that takes you further away from the resources you need”. But this source of pain is also the root of healing. For David “that edge of grief and pain is just a threshold, and if we step thorough that threshold without flinching from it we come into a world of wonders”.

We all agree that nature connection, opening “to the more-than-human world is the path to healing”. This is a very familiar route for some of us, but as Glen points out, it can be a rough walk and many people will need support along the way. However, he adds, “As soon as they open themselves, it’ll be self-affirming because the world is a nourishing place”.

Related resources:

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Brexit: Does uncertainty make us irrational?

It’s part of human nature to prefer certainty, so all the Brexit confusion is bound to make us edgy. In or out? Deal or no deal? But does uncertainly have an impact on our ability to make rational choices? Researchers Travis Proulx and Daniel Randles wanted to find out. They started by asking participants how they felt about their nation and nationality. After recording the responses, they then deliberately created a sense of uncertainly. Participants were asked to use playing cards that had the colours reversed – spades red, and diamonds black. They were shown strings of random letters and asked to identify any patterns. They even gave them some Kafka to read! Finally, these now somewhat uncertain participants were asked to write about their beliefs. The writing topics explored things like what their country of birth meant to them and whether their nationality was important to their cultural identity. Those who initially expressed a strong allegiance to their country became more nationalistic now that they felt uncertain. On the flip side, those who had previously expressed an internationalist stance had become even more wedded to those beliefs. The results showed that no matter what you believe, you’re likely to become more dogmatic when you’re feeling uncertain.

News on European Election results

The European Election results seem to illustrate this effect on a countrywide scale. The UK parties that are split over Brexit or seem ambivalent – Labour and the Conservatives – saw a dramatic loss of support. It was those parties that offer some certainty – whether unambiguously pro or anti-Brexit – that took the votes.

Perhaps your offended by the implication that your voting behaviour might not have been entirely rational. Maybe you think you’re unaffected by Brexit uncertainly: But are you sure about that?

More about how uncertainly impacts our thinking:

  • The Weatherman
  • Jamie Holmes, “Nonsense: The Power Of Not Knowing”
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“We know more than we can tell”: Why embodied knowledge matters

How do you recognise your friend in the street? How do I know how to ride a bike? How come some people have savoir-faire and others are clueless? How does intuition work? The short answer is embodied knowledge. Even though you’ve probably never heard of it, embodied knowledge underpins something like 95% of your thinking (Lakoff and Johnson, 1999).

Information enters our consciousness on a ‘need to know’ basis and most of our everyday behaviour happens at the very edge of awareness. Some of that subconscious thinking inevitably draws on knowledge and beliefs about the world, but you don’t have easy access to that huge data bank: “We know more than we can tell” (Polanyi, 1966).

Some knowledge – for example that Paris is the capital of France – is immediately available. This is typically called explicit or propositional knowledge and can be expressed formally in “words and numbers, scientific formulae, codified procedures or universal principles” (Quintas & Jones, 2002). But a vastly greater store of knowledge is tacit, practical and less accessible. Skills held as tacit knowledge are taught through observation, imitation, and practice. Crucially, this knowledge is embodied. Tanaka, drawing on Merleau-Ponty’s ideas, defines it as “a type of knowledge in which the body knows how to act” (2013). Sport offers some great examples. A basketball player has no time to consciously evaluate all the options before making a move: They rely on “court sense”, the ability to “take in and comprehend all that is happening around him or her” (Gladwell, 2006).

shadow of boy on seascape

shadow of boy on seascape

Embodied knowing can be extraordinarily powerful. Berenson, a 20th century art historian, could identify forged works of art using embodied knowing (Hoving, 1996). He’s not unique and many top ‘fakebusters’ work the same way. Fakebusters like Berenson are unable to specify how they knew something was a copy, but would simply say that their “stomach felt wrong” or they “felt woozy and off balance” (Hoving, 1996).

Most of can’t do what those fakebusters can, but we can tap into our embodied knowing. We all occasionally have a bodily sensation that’s meaningful. Maybe you have a bad feeling about someone, butterflies in your stomach or you just ‘got out of bed the wrong side’ this morning. These sensations are often what Gendlin calls a ‘felt sense’ and they hold embodied knowledge about how things are for you right now.

Even though I’ve been researching embodied knowing for over a decade, I’ll never fully understand it; the research is growing too fast. Academia.edu, a research website, currently lists over 329,000 papers that mention ‘embodied knowing’ and almost every discipline you can think of refers to it. Although fully comprehending embodied knowing is probably impossible, I’ve started identifying some of the key features. Even if I can’t explore the entire territory, at least I can make the first sketch map of this extraordinary landscape.

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